LIGHTS, CAMERA, EJACULATE

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I’m not going to hide the fact that I was a late bloomer when it came to engaging in sexual relations with women. I was 15-years-old when I kissed a girl for the very first time; I’ll never forget that experience for the rest of my life. It was back in the 10th grade, I had conversed with this girl for the past month. She mentioned that she’d be paying me a visit; this is a 3 to 4 hour bus ride from where she lived. What a random phone call that was, imagine a woman bluntly stating she’s currently on her way to see you, and wants to bequeath you with a “gift” when you’re face-to-face. Considering I was a virgin then, I had no idea what she was really referring to; boy was I in for a rude awakening. After she quit jabbering, she hung up which made me think she was pulling my chain. I received another phone call at 5:00 P.M. revealing that she was roughly 20 minutes away and that she was getting a ride to where I lived, time to get excited. It turns out she wasn’t lying. I met her and together we walked back to my house. The next two hours were really intense and eye-opening, due to all the first time experiences I shared with her. I’m talking about the first time I ever saw a really, nice set of tits (not a crusty old woman’s boob, like my great aunts), the first time I made out with a girl, and the first time I ever received fellatio… this was a pleasant surprise for the most part, but things obviously turned sour as you’ll come to find out. Randomly, we made our way to my parents’ bathroom; this is where things became thrilling. Within their bathroom laid a long walkway with a partition at the end of the corridor separating the toilet from the remainder of the room. When we came into the bathroom, she immediately flicked them off in and went to business.

 

She pushed me up against the sink, dropped to her knees and began vigorously sucking my cock. I was in ecstasy, loving every minute of this; I mean this was the first time I convinced a girl to perform oral sex, what a mind-blowing experience this was! During this time, I was not paying attention to what was occurring in the bathroom, or within my current surroundings. I was on the verge of a orgasim as the bathroom door burst opens, the lights punch on, and my father emerges. What came next was not only really embarrassing, but also very disgusting. My dad just stood there, while this girl had my rock hard man rod deep inside her mouth. He was inundated with anger and indignantly screams, “you’re not having unprotected sex in my bathroom J. Go someplace else.” Without warning the girl spit out my penis and began rising to her feet. I was at the point of no return, and began to ejaculate all over her in front of my dad.  I’m talking about the equivalent to a porn star cum shot, all over her hair, face, and clothing! It was a scene out of Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, when Bucky uncontrollably shots his load all over the place.

 

I finished cumming, and didn’t want to stick around any longer. I hastily zipped up my pants while reaching for the bathroom door. I ran out of the bathroom to my room, and left the girl in the bathroom to face my father, who if you can’t tell is a total nightmare! He could goad you making you hate your life in a way like no one I have ever met. He’s the biggest asshole on the planet. The remainder of the afternoon was not fun; not only did this girl get a mouthful from my father and hate her life, but also she left my house never to speak to me again. To be honest I wish I learned a lesson from this experience, but I guess I’m one of a kind in many ways, and this is the proof. All I have to say is, “WELCOME TO MY LIFE!” Here is the life lesson: always engage in sexual activity in your own room because you never know who is sneaking around the next corner to cock block you. Always be aware of where you are and never, I repeat never do what I did. You will lose a slew of dates and never get laid again.

-Episode 24: Hear my commentary and a verbal re-telling of the story through my perspective.




BLAZE THE PINBALL MACHINE

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The Pinball story:

To be perfectly honest, I am not the most competent of drivers, for I have caused many impromptu accidents in my day. This makes my story that much more amusing and memorable. As I pulled up to my buddy’s apartment complex, the only available parking spot was nestled behind a parked car located directly in front of the open space I intended on using. This area happened to be surrounded by many large SUV’s located on three sides of my target. A house happened to be positioned on the left side of the space while the cars were positioned to the right and in front, making this impossible to enter and a real dilemma. To make matters worse, there were very few lights around the parking area. It was close to pitch black and I couldn’t see more than 3 feet in front of my face. Gently, I pulled into the parking area and carefully attempted to park. Mistakenly, I hit the gas pedal instead of the brake causing my car to careen head first into the parked car in front of me. Quickly, I reversed, repositioned myself, and went for it again—fiddle sticks! I pulled the same exact maneuver; only this time I swiped the car parked to my right. Reversing a third time, I went for it once more; this time I plowed into both the house on my left, and the car parked in front.

 

On my fourth attempt, I successfully pulled into the tiny spot, got out of my automobile to assess the damage, and freaked out. The autos and the house surrounding me were completely unharmed, but my poor, old car Blaze was torn a new asshole. This little incident ran up a bill of over $1000 dollars at the local body shop for damage done to the front bumper. After receiving the bill, I thought to myself, “That was an expensive game of bumper cars. Maybe it’s time to take another driving lesson their J. You might want to think about staying off the road for a while till you can figure this all out.”  Here’s the life lesson: when your parking always be aware of your surrounding no matter what, shit will go wrong whenever possible! And also make sure you have a firm grasp of the pedal configuration within your chariot. Don’t pull a Schmuck Buddha.

-Episode 23: Hear my commentary and a verbal re-telling of the story through my perspective.




BACKFLIP WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOON LIGHT

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I’m the type of person who does stupid stunts just to get laughs out of others, even if it means almost killing myself. I’ll never forget the time I thought it was a good idea for me to attempt several acrobatic maneuvers off a beach house deck, into the sand approximately 15 feet below. It was roughly 10:00 P.M. and I was the only sober one at this party–a first for me now a days. Most of my peers at the party were either inebriated or stoned, and I wanted to get on their level somehow. I took a long look down from the edge of the deck and saw a 15-foot drop into what appeared to be fluffy sand, or so I thought. I made an announcement to the party that I would be performing backflips off the deck and land gracefully on my feet without a problem. People were betting me that I wouldn’t do it cause it seemed so nuts to everyone, which it was no looking back. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Without warning, I ran to the edge of the deck, did an aerial maneuver in mid-air, and began to backflip off the deck into the nights sky. I overshot my landing, and landed on my face as sand flew everywhere. As I plopped down on my face, it was such a mighty force that it knocked the wind out of me; I couldn’t breath for about five minutes. Almost everyone I know would have given up and gone on with the remainder of their evening, but not me though; I’m not a quitter. I was adamant that I could stick the landing to this backflip, and decided to try it a second time—oh vey! Slowly, I made my way back up the long winding staircase to the deck, and as I broached the top of the staircase, I positioned myself so I’d land in a softer, sandier spot. I took a deep breath and went for the backflip again. This time I didn’t take into account the fact at how close the landing was to some beach chairs below, and as you guessed it I collided with them. During the second attempt, I did a full backflip and landed on my feet. The problem was that when I landed, I was completely off-balance and went frog marching forwards into the nearby beach chairs. As I catapulted forward, the momentum knocked me right into the chairs below and I flipped over them. I landed flat on my face for a second time. I did a double-whammy, I knocked the wind out of me again. Most would have said enough is enough and given up–I didn’t quit though; I decided to try a third time, which is a receipt for cataclysm!

 

I regained my breath and composure and trekked up the long staircase one last time. I was so dizzy from all the flipping I didn’t accurately judge the distance between the edge of the deck and my footsteps, which makes this story that much more insane. I took one step towards the edge of the ledge and slipped off the edge of the deck falling stomach first into the sand for a third time. This time I was out for the count. I hit the sand with a vicious thud, knocking my head on a nearby metal beach shovel and was knocked out cold. When my head hit the shovel, a loud clank was heard throughout the beach. I was out for roughly five minutes when I finally regained consciousness. All I remember was my head was spinning, and I couldn’t move a muscle. I lay in the sand for the rest of the night. I thought to myself, “J you did this to yourself you over-grown buffoon! Why would you think you could test gravity and win the battle? You deserve to be in pain for your stupidity.” I do believe its a good thing that I don’t give up easily, but then again there are some instances when quitting is the correct solution. I should have quit after the first try, but my stupid ass went a total of three times resulting in me losing total consciousness. Here is the life lesson: know when to stop because you never want to be that guy who makes a total ass of himself. Unfortunately, I haven’t really learned this lesson very well, hence all the dumb stories that make up my life.

-Episode 22: Hear my commentary and a verbal re-telling of the story through my perspective.




Ghetto Mobile at its Finest

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While still in high school, my three best friends and I decided to document our mischievous acts via a found footage-type video experience, for one entire year. We performed various Jackass-like stunts that would make Johnny Knoxville and his vigilante brethren look calm and harmless. Our film would be the culmination of our stupidity; hundreds of scenes of the fantastic four, us, doing various insane and risky stunts, gags, and pranks in the vein of Bam’s CKY and MTV’s Jackass. I am sure you can see where this is going—trouble to a mass degree! During this time in my life, I drove a ghetto-ass, 1984 BMW: the paint was chipping from the car and it drove like a boat, but it was fast for the year, make, and model. It was a butt load of laughs to see this jalopy being driven down the road; it was a real hunk of crap–the ode to my shit car days, as I like to refer to this time period as.

 

One night, my friends and I were up to no good and were trying to plan our next move. We decided to see how many 360’s each one of us could do in the Ghetto Mobile, the nickname for my beimmer. We knew things were going to get crazy so we unanimously opted to film this nefarious extravaganza. We thought the perfect setting for this on-camera stunt would be the old, middle school up the road. When we arrived at our destination, the back gate was unlocked so we drove into the lot adjacent to the classrooms on campus. It was the perfect spot for total mayhem and destruction to take place. I was the first one to volunteer. I set out to raise the bar to astrological heights so no one could top me—bad thinking on my part, as you’ll soon find out. I started doing several donuts around the parking facility as a warm up. All was fine, and then I figured I should up the ante. Now comes total mania–it’s officially going to get hectic.

 

At the end of the parking lot stretched a long gravel road that opened to a huge grassy knoll the size of a football field. The field was easy to enter and lay roughly 500 yards away; this would be the setting for my want-a-be Evil Kenevil-esque shenanigans. I positioned myself perfectly or so I thought, and began revving my engine while my foot rested safely on the brake. The gas-guzzler was so unstable it began furiously herky-jerkying and rattling as I continued revving it. In one fluid motion, I put the petal to the metal and released my foot off the brake. The vehicle bolted forward gaining speed as I approached the entrance of the lot. As I crossed the threshold onto the road leading towards the classrooms, I grabbed hold of the wheel, yanking it to the opposite direction while setting the parking brake as I veered off the road. The vehicle spun at a hulking rate toward a group of steel trashcans. I swiped a bunch of metal trash cans and frogmarched them into the air. They immediately collided against the vehicle’s rear windows, doors and mirrors. This caused the windows to crack, the mirrors to bend, and the doors to dent.

 

Now comes the dangerous part–yikes! Misjudging the velocity at which the car would turn, I underestimated the place where I would come to a halting stop, which is a recipe for disaster and possible death. Roughly 100-feet-away from the trashcans lay an enormous iron dumpster, and I was rapidly spinning towards it. I was completely terrified and my life began flashing before my eyes. I thought I was going to bite the bullet painfully, thankfully I didn’t. I came inches from crashing into the dumpster. Somehow, I believe it to be an act of God, the car screeched and stopped. What did I learn from this experience, I thought to myself as I began to calm my nerves. So here’s the life lesson: Never attempt to do this again at that exact speed J. You can always take another stab at it at a slower pace and do even crazier shit. Just don’t die okay. I’m a putz what can I say. No here is what I really learned: keep all appendages inside moving vehicle at all times cause you don’t want to lose an arm of a leg in some dumb stunt. Always wear a seat belt and drive the speed limit. Take it from me your Jewish Evil Kenevil, I don’t recommend this to anyone. Thankfully, I will say this though, I never attempted an unsupervised car stunt like this again, but this didn’t account for the other 364 days of stunts we captured on tape. Our video was called Life or Limb, how fitting, wouldn’t you agree?

-Episode 21: Hear my commentary and a verbal re-telling of the story through my perspective.